Power Rankingz

Since Tim is on depression hiatus, somebody's gotta pick up the slack. And we all know Justina's GIF war was a one-week wonder. So uh... here goes.

Platinum Teams

1 - THE PAIN TRAIN


Gabs is managing his team this year? If anybody watches the league, watch this past week's episode. Gabs' performance this year is like sober-Taco. We once regarded playing Gabs as a "Gabs-bye" but now he's setting flames to our league. He capitalized on Eddie Lacy's return and somehow raped Abraham out of Dez Bryant. RGIII is finally looking like himself again and that Blackmon buy and hold strategy is giving him some legit dividends. All I gotta say is... props.

Gold Teams

2 - Password is Taco


We were all sleeping on Justina's team to start this year, but little did we know that Snorlax can learn the Hyperbeam attack (how do I remember these things?) - and that's exactly what she's done. 2 years later, J's bullish stance on Jacquizz pays off. Anchored by a strong RB corp, Justina's team is looking pretty good right now.

3 - Seenie J


How the muk did Jeff get this good? Well I guess the whole "draft ape index" helped him out after all. Cam is looking like he did 2 years ago, Garcon and Smith are strong WR1/WR2 range guys and his RB's are ridiculously strong. We'll see how the demise of Cutler affects Forte's stock, but I'm thinking he'll keep producing elite RB numbers.

4 - Jen Wong's Team

Jen's team looks pretty good, and could end up going in several directions. She doesn't have one dynamite position, but could get anchored from any direction, whether its her QB (Vaporeon), her WRs aka Alshon Jeffrey and TY Hilton (Joleton), or Knowshon Moreno (Flareon). The ascendance of Jeffrey and Moreno have pushed her team from preseason mediocrity to regular season gold.

Silver Teams

5 - Unicorn Burps

(This is Keldeo... there's apparently a Unicorn pokemon?)

Like me, David's had some unfortunate matchups, but he has a pretty strong team. Rodgers will hopefully return to form despite his WRs going down, but really, he's got 3 strong WR's and two strong TE's. If David can find a way to get some value from either Julius Thomas or Jordan Reed in a way that boosts his RB power, he can make a jump up in the muddled "middle of the pack."

6 - Spider Pig


I'm still pretty bullish on my team. I'd like to point out that I've lost two games by a total of 5 points so far this year and the jump in the rankings from 2-5 and 4-3 is pretty big. With that said, my WR's still need some work, and Matt Ryan is a big question mark. However, it looks like CJ2K is rounding into form and his schedule just got a lot easier. Anybody want a RB?

7 - Charlotte Hornets

Abraham made a bold trade dealing away his best player... we'll see if he can capitalize on that. Gore is a huge upgrade for his RB corp, but he trade leaves him pining at WR. Time will tell if Keenan Allen is good enough as a weekly WR3, but I think his WR 2 and 3 spot need some help.

8 - You've Changed Bro


Duke's team has the most explosive player in the league in Peyton... but his weakness is the lack of true depth behind that. His RB's are struggling pretty hard and even AJ Green has had a few bad weeks. Hopefully the return of Gronk will round out his arsenal, especially once Denver starts sitting Manning when they've clinched their playoff spot.

9 - Choux Buns

Aaron's team is like Ghost Pokemon. You keep wanting to think it's pretty good, but he's actually quite vulnerable. Wilson has been erratic and his RB's are sorry. And now that Graham is hurt, Aaron is wildly searching for a trade and will evolve him into a Gengar. Good luck bro. Give me Cruz?

Bronze aka Copper aka Dirt.

10 - MUSCLEHamster

Of the bottom feeders, Eric's team holds some promise. The Harry Douglas pickup was pretty slick (why did I ever drop him??) and Reggie Bush is a top 7 back when healthy. Now if Romo can actually start producing like everybody says he will, Eric will likely be able to muscle out a playoff spot.

11 - Pinchers of Peril

After revamping his team via the waiver wire, Tim might have some silver lining. Fred Jackson and Randle are not the worst RB's you could ask for, and the Boykin pickup should serve him well. Despite his struggles, on behalf of FFNUTHANG, I'd like to thank Tim for tirelessly being our league commissioner for the past 10 years. Hopefully the fantasy gods will reward you with a championship someday... probably not today.

12 - Terrific Torotoises

I really wanted to give you Blastoise but I just couldn't... you know you're in trouble when you start Alex Smith at QB. Thing is, David has two top 7 receivers in Megatron and DeSean. Unfortunately, we all know that fantasy teams are carried by QB/RB. With the right stroke of luck, however, David could see his team stock rise if Roddy and Miles get healthy, he gets a decent trade out of his WR's, and maybe Lamar Miller starts acting like his draft value. At least we have the Red Sox, right David?

Dude... writing this stuff takes a long time. Now I understand why Tim is on hiatus. Come back soon?

Sincerely,

Super pig.