Week 14 (Final) #PowerRankings - Keeper Projections Edition!

Thanks to everyone for another fun FFNUTHANG season! The smack talk, drama, excitement, anticipation, and twists and turns of the season don’t get old. This will be the last #PowerRankings, so I’ve included some Keeper Projections and Pre-season Rankings for comparison purposes. Good luck to no one in the playoffs except me!

1. PickensUpRussellinnn#throwback (Eric) (8-6) [1] [Pre-season Rank: 9]

Eric’s team has shown signs of vulnerability these past 4 weeks, but his team is still the team to beat heading into the playoffs. His matchups are also overall pretty good, too. So in spite of his team finishing the regular season 4th in the league standings, the championship will have to go through Eric.

Keeper Projections: Josh Jacobs ($29), Lamar Jackson ($27)

Can Eric resist the urge to not keep his superstar QB? Nah, dyNASTYs are built on the backs of QBs, so give him Lamar for $27. Bijan at $63 is a bit steep, so it would seem Josh Jacobs at $29 is a better spend. I could be wrong, though, given Eric only kept Bijan from last year and no one else. And clearly, he knew what he was doing. Shoutout to Jerry Jeudy at $2, though - maybe that’s the bargain play Eric wants to take? A lot of questions in Cleveland will need to be answered first, though. 

2. FULL COMMANDO (Tim) (10-4) [2] [Pre-season Rank: 4]

I’m just hoping for some Jaylen Daniels magic (unlikely against Philly Week 16), and maybe the surprising emergence of a backup RB or something. Like I’ve said before, winning Regular Season Champ was my main goal (actually, my main goal starting the season was to not repeat Sacko), so the rest of this is icing on the cake. I do think my half of the playoff bracket is disproportionately weighted, though. I do think Eric, Luke, and I have the three best teams in the playoffs, and only one of us will be able to make it to the final game.

Keeper Projections: Jayden Daniels ($5), Trey McBride ($11)

I was initially going to keep Jayden Daniels and Jonathon Brooks, but now that Brooks re-tore his ACL, my replacement pick has wavered between McBride at $11, McLaurin at $14, Pacheco at $21, or Jayden Reed at $5. Right now I’ll settle on securing my onesie positions, but I could see that changing if the Daniels-McLaurin stack ends up winning me the championship.

3. Spider Pig (Luke) (8-6) [5] [Pre-season Rank: 11]

Luke has the chance to go from Yahoo auto draft disaster to David-ing Eric’s Goliath on his path to THREE-peating. That was seemingly unthinkable just 6 weeks ago when his team was 3-5 coming off a 5-game losing streak. Saquon is still going strong and Puka has returned healthy, but his “others” (Sutton, Addison, Najee, Tua, and even Charbonnet) are peaking at the right time. Please someone prevent Luke from 3-peating.

Keeper Projections: Saquon Barkley ($50), Puka Nacua ($25)

I think Luke has no choice but to keep Saquon at $50 after this season. You might be able to make an argument for the 2nd keeper as Courtland Sutton at $5 or Jordan Addison at $1, but Puka at $25 still seems like a good deal, so I say Luke ends up keeping the same players again. 

4. Maybabyboo (Laura) (8-6) [4] [Pre-season Rank: 10]

Laura’s team was on some shaky ground in Weeks 12-13, but an impressive Week 14 performance has put her team on more solid ground moving forward. Laura’s hoping Guerendo can stay healthy and play, but I think Laura can buy another week without him against a struggling Jeff Lin’s team in the 1st round of the playoffs. Props to Laura for making the playoffs in her first season back! Especially given that I had ranked her team 10th in the pre-season..

Keeper Projections: Chase Brown ($6)

Mixon and Cook have both cooled a bit as of late, but I think they might still be good deals at $28 and $33, respectively. However, I think the steal at RB for Laura would be Chase Brown at $6, especially if he continues to emerge as Cincinnati’s top RB. I’m not a big fan of keeping Kelce at $25, or Caleb Williams at $5, and Laura’s WRs probably won’t be worth their prices, either. Maybe Zay Flowers at $17 or Darnell Mooney at $5, but even those come with question marks. So I think Laura just goes with the big steal at Chase Brown and relies on the draft again.

5. It’s Bo Time (Andrew) (9-5) [3] [Pre-season Rank: 7]

All of Andrew’s chips fell into place perfectly to win him a 1st-round bye in the playoffs in spite of having the 2nd worst Points For amongst playoff teams. His team will need that week off, as it hasn’t looked the greatest in the past 3 or so weeks. He does have the easier half of the bracket to go against, facing the winner of Laura v. Jeff Lin to get to the finals, so that will be in his favor. He also has pretty favorable playoff matchups for many of his key players, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Andrew ended up playing for the championship.

Keeper Projections: Bo Nix ($5), Jaxon Smith-Njigba ($3)

Bo Nix at $5 is intriguing. That’s probably a better deal than Kyler Murray at $9. If Derrick Henry can produce similar numbers next year, his value at $59 is a steal, but age is a number that doesn’t get smaller. Part of me thinks Andrew is done with AJ Brown, so even at $48 he won’t be worth keeping. And I think Andrew might end up going with value youth players, so give me Bo Nix at $5 and Jaxon Smith-Njigba at $3.

6. Love thy Naber (Jeff Lin) (9-5) [7] [Pre-season Rank: 3]

Jeff Lin lucked his way into the playoffs this year - finishing 8th in Points For - but a playoff berth is a playoff berth. The season starts anew now. Like Jeff mentioned, if Josh Allen can do Josh Allen things again, then he’s got a chance. Malik Nabers has a favorable matchup, and maybe Sincere McCormick will be the waiver pickup that changes Jeff’s season. It seems like a stretch, but he’s better off than the teams below him.

Keeper Projections: Breece Hall ($43), Malik Nabers ($26)

After Josh Allen’s Week 14 performance, Jeff may want to consider keeping Allen at QB, especially if he helps Jeff make a deep playoff run. Something tells me he’ll go with some bigger names at RB and WR instead: Breece Hall at $43 and Malik Nabers at $26. JJ McCarthy at $5 may not be a terrible option, though.

7. I am not sacko! (Jeff Chen) (7-7) [6] [Pre-season Rank: 12]

Jeff Chen didn’t make the playoffs, but he had a better-than-expected season. He didn’t get much respect from me for much of the season, but props to a .500 season when I thought his team would be in Sacko contention. He also took the high ground and actually started Burrow, maybe partly so he could avoid a losing season to tarnish his (lack of) dyNASTYc record. 

Keeper Projections: Nico Collins ($18), JK Dobbins ($11)

Nico is a lock - I know he’s Jeff’s new crush. Then he’ll have to decide between David Montgomery at $12, JK Dobbins at $11, George Kittle at $11, Joe Burrow at $8 or Drake Maye at $36. I’m tempted to go Drake Maye at $36 because Jeff always seems to do the thing that no one else would think to do, and that I least expect him to do. But I feel like Jeff also has a thing for JK, so we’ll go that route instead. Don’t be surprised if Jeff pulls another fast one on us, though. $36 for Drake Maye - so slick.

8. Just Didn’t Catch D’Achane (Haji) (5-9) [8] [Pre-season Rank: 5]

Haji just had bad luck this season. If seeding was based on Points For alone, he would have made the playoffs. But his matchups were just unlucky - almost always catching people on their high weeks and not being able to capitalize on his team’s scoring ability. Parting ways with Breece was probably emotionally taxing as well, but at least he has a cheap Achane to hold on to for Keepers.

Keeper Projections: Justin Jefferson ($59), De’Von Achane ($16)

With Chuba improving in leaps in bounds and Jonathon Brooks out for at least another year, Haji has gotten a steal for Hubbard at $6 this year, and it’ll be a steal next year too. Achane at $16 is also a steal, which I think is part of the reason his trade with Jeff Lin was so appealing - it’ll be hard for Haji to choose between those 2 RBs for their value. I think Justin Jefferson at $59 will also be a good value, but perhaps not as good as Brandon Aiyuk or Jauan Jennings at $5, depending on how things play out in SF. Of course, Haji will have his pick of young WR options after loading up on Keon Coleman and Rome Odunze in the last waiver cycle. But as of now, I think he’ll settle on Achane and Jefferson.

9. Run It Back! (Gabs) (6-8) [9] [Pre-season Rank: 2]

I had high expectations for Gabs’s team to start the season, but he could just never find his groove at QB and WR. Gabs had a pretty forgettable end to the season, but he’s set up for future success with all the young talent on his roster.

Keeper Projections: Brian Thomas Jr ($4), Brock Bowers ($12) 

Gabs actually has some really good Keeper options. He went young this year in the draft, hitting on Brian Thomas Jr at $4, Bucky Irving at $1, and Brock Bowers at $12. Add a Tyrone Tracy Jr waiver pickup at $5, and that’s some promising youth at great value. Of course, we don’t know where Tee Higgins will end up next season, but I would say Gabs has good enough value in Brian Thomas Jr where I would guess that will be one of his keepers next year. The other one will likely be Bowers, given how dominant he’s been at TE in his rookie season. It’s hard to give up Bucky Irving at $1, though. And I didn’t even mention Jonathan Taylor at $36, Kenneth Walker at $27, or Garrett Wilson at $58.

10. Terrific Tortoises (David) (5-9) [10] [Pre-season Rank: 6]

Hindsight is 20/20, but David’s draft was probably a little top-heavy with a lot of capital invested in CMC and Amon-Ra, neither of which paid off. He couldn’t build much depth after spending all his draft money on those two and Jalen Hurts, and his lack of depth is probably what hamstrung him from being able to pivot from those disappointing superstars. Better luck next year, David. It was a rough one with injuries, heartaches, and frustrations galore for David, but he’s been a trooper through all of it. 

Keeper Projections: Rashee Rice ($5)

Perhaps David will have PTSD and not choose to keep Rashee Rice again. But I think that’s the way to go - $5 will be a steal for him next year. Something tells me David won’t be keeping CMC at $69, so that leaves Jalen Hurts at $24? Nick Chubb at $6? Tony Pollard at $4? It’s probably in David’s best interest to just start from almost scratch and only keep Rice.

11. 第六 (Abraham) (4-10) [11] [Pre-season Rank: 8]

Hail, the new Sacko! Abraham has been pretty quiet since officially winning Sacko, maybe he’s still in the denial stage of his grieving. The injuries were brutal. A 7-game losing streak to end the season was brutal. Sorry, Abraham. Don’t worry, next year will be better - it has to be!

Keeper Projections: Kyren Williams ($23)

Abraham will have some decisions to make. Kyren at $23 is a good deal. Jahmyr Gibbs at $60 is pricier, but my guess is he’ll still be a highly-drafted RB next year. Arguments could be made either way for London at $46, Olave at $30, and Godwin at $11, but maybe Abraham is so done with those players that he just wants to start with a clean slate. My guess is he settles on the value pick in Kyren at $23 over the better player in Gibbs at $60 and just goes from there.

12. choubacca (Aaron) (5-9) [12] [Pre-season Rank: 1]

I can’t believe I ranked Aaron’s team #1 pre-season and here we are. I’m still not 100% sure what happened besides major underperformance by his star players. Aaron still deserves this last spot, even if he technically avoided Sacko - his team was last in Points For and had to rely on luck and the mercy of Jeff Chen in order to get by unscathed. Now the question moving forward is, does Aaron want to spend up to keep those underperforming star players?

Keeper Projections: None

Aaron’s players will probably be overpriced come draft time next year: Tyreek at $66, CeeDee at $55, Rachaad White at $26, James Conner at $13, Sam LaPorta at $16, Baker Mayfield at $5. I don’t think he keeps anyone, although that seems very unlike Aaron. So if anyone, maybe he keeps CeeDee? Nah.

Week 13 #PowerRankings

1. HonkyTonkMcConkeyTime (Eric) (8-5) [1]

Eric’s team continues to look unstoppable. I honestly don’t know how he racked up 5 losses this season, given that his Points For is nearly 130 points more than the next highest team. His team has had a top-3 score in the 9 out of 13 weeks, and has only scored in the bottom half in one week. His players have pretty manageable playoff schedules, minus Lamar’s tough matchup against Pittsburgh in Week 16. So unless Eric’s team somehow stumbles that week or gets an unlucky matchup, all indicators point to his team winning it all.

PANTHERS %: 100%

SUXS %: 0%

2. FULL COMMANDO (Tim) (10-3) [3]

I feel like my team is peaking at a good time. While many of my starters are on bye this week, the pressure is off for a little bit now that I’ve secured the Regular Season Championship and a 1st-round bye in the playoffs. I’m well aware of the Commanders’ tough matchups during the FF playoffs, but I’m going to have to ride with them and hope for the best.

PANTHERS %: 100%

SUXS %: 0%

3. It’s Bo Time (Andrew) (8-5) [5]

Andrew won a nail-biter in Week 13, securing a playoff spot and also keeping his team in the running for a 1st round bye. He has the pieces necessary to go deep into the playoffs - Kyler has an easy rest-of-season schedule (if he can play up to par), and Bo’s schedule isn’t horrible either. Njoku and DJ Moore’s playoff schedules are pretty favorable, and both have been productive as of late. Derrick Henry should continue to put up points as the weather gets colder, too. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Andrew makes a run for the championship.

PANTHERS %: 100%

SUXS %: 0%

4. Maybabyboo (Laura) (7-6) [2]

Laura had a tough matchup against Eric, and it seems like her team has taken a step back in the past few weeks. Even with a loss to Gabs in Week 14, she should still be able to secure a playoff spot (unless Jeff Chen wins and scores 56 more points than her.. Or if Gabs scores 73 more points than her). But I don’t love her players’ playoff schedules - especially Joe Mixon, who she’s relied on for much of the season. Her QB situation is also not great, having to decide between Purdy and Caleb won’t be fun moving forward. Thielen may be a surprise boom play in the playoffs, and the Guerendo pickup may end up being the saving grace for her team. So it seems like a mixed bag for Laura heading into the postseason.

PANTHERS %: 99%

SUXS %: 0%

5. Spider Pig (Luke) (7-6) [6]

Luke lost in a close one to Andrew in Week 13, but he’s got a winnable matchup against David to finish the season, which should all but secure his playoff spot. Even with a loss, Jeff Chen will need to win and score 79 more points to push Luke out of the playoffs. Unlikely to happen. Luke’s QB situation is still a little tenuous going into the playoffs, but with the help of Saquon, anything is possible. Najee has a pretty bad playoff schedule, though, so Luke’s other pieces will have to step up their games to support Saquon if Luke wants to make a deep playoff run. Cortland Sutton and Puka have been solid as of late, so it’s definitely possible.

PANTHERS %: 99.5%

SUXS %: 0%

6. I am not sacko! (Jeff Chen) (6-7) [7]

Jeff Chen needs a win this week, and either: 1. Laura to lose and score 56 fewer points, or 2. Luke to lose and score 79 fewer points, or some other weird permutations that probably won’t happen. Jeff is set up for the win, but whether those other factors can play out to his favor is yet to be seen. Joe Burrow could have a monster game against Dallas, Westbrook-Ikhine has been scoring TDs left and right, Mike Evans can go off on any given week, David Montgomery is as reliable as they get, and Kittle should benefit from a weakened SF run game. So there’s still some hope, but the stars will really have to align for Jeff to sneak into the playoffs. 

PANTHERS %: 1%

SUXS %: 0%

7. Love thy Naber (Jeff Lin) (8-5) [8]

Jeff Lin got a favorable matchup in Week 13 against the lowest-scoring (Haji’s) team. So while Jeff got the win he needed to secure a playoff spot, he’s been in the bottom half of weekly scoring for each of the past 4 weeks. That Josh Allen self-pass / lateral play also skews those numbers a bit in Jeff’s favor. Jeff’s Points For is lower than the next three teams sitting outside the playoff race (Jeff Chen, Gabs, and Haji). However, Malik Nabers, MHJ, and Breece Hall all have super easy playoff schedules, and Aaron Jones and Hockenson have pretty decent matchups as well. So whether those players (especially MHJ and Breece) can step up in those opportunities may decide Jeff’s playoff fate. It’ll also be interesting to see if Deebo gets utilized more now with the loss of CMC and Mason - I still get the sense that his injuries are hindering his production.

PANTHERS %: 100%

SUXS %: 0%

8. Just Didn’t Catch D’Achane (Haji) (5-8) [4]

It’s been a tough season for Haji. He just couldn’t string together enough wins to make a push for the playoffs, even though he’s 5th in Points For. It just seemed like his high weeks were very high and his low weeks were very low. Kudos to him for remaining active until the end, but unfortunately this season comes to a close for him. Now all he can do is play disruptor for Sacko contention. Oh, and try to load up on potential Keepers (I see those waiver pickups for Aiyuk, Keon, Diontae, and Abanikanda).

PANTHERS %: 0%

SUXS %: 0%

9. Run It Back! (Gabs) (6-7) [9]

So you’re saying there’s a chance!? No, not really. But for statistical integrity, Gabs mathematically still has a chance of making the playoffs (a la the Yahoo obligatory 1%) - all he needs to do is beat Laura by 72.5 points this week. Stranger things have happened, I guess? I actually wouldn’t be surprised if Gabs won this week, but 72.5 points is a pretty big margin to overcome. Who knows, maybe Will Levis will have his breakout game against an easy Jacksonville D, Bowers and Tyrone Trace go for 30+ each in favorable matchups, and Cinci D pick-6s Cooper Rush twice.

PANTHERS %: 0.5%

SUXS %: 0%

10. Terrific Tortoises (David) (5-8) [10]

I feel bad for CMC, but feel worse for David. Given how poorly the season has gone for David, he’s taken it in stride and adapted nicely as the season progressed, including his Jordan Mason pickup and his bet on Indy WRs. Rashee Rice will still be a good Keeper candidate for next year, and at least David is (fairly) safe from Sacko contention.

PANTHERS %: 0%

SUXS %: 1%

11. 第六 (Abraham) (4-9) [11] 

Abraham’s team really has taken a plunge since Week 8 that it could never recover from. His chances against Jeff Chen this week are not looking great, either. I don’t think I realized how bad his team was until I looked at this week’s matchup - Abraham is starting Xavier Worthy and Dontavian Wicks at WR.. eek. So Abraham will have to hope Aaron loses his game, or else it’s 5K time. And according to SUXS, Abraham’s got slightly better chances at Sacko than Aaron.

PANTHERS %: 0%

SUXS %: 52%

12. choubacca (Aaron) (4-9) [12]

Aaron’s team has been the epitome of underperformance this season. However, he may be spared from Sacko this season if he can somehow pull out one final win against a faltering Haji’s team. Aaron certainly has the pieces to do it, it’s just a question of whether those pieces will show up.

PANTHERS %: 0%

SUXS %: 47%

Week 12 #PowerRankings - #Thanksgiving (Turkey Alternatives) Edition

This year for Thanksgiving, I’ve decided to try something a little different, since I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted all the Thanksgiving dishes you could possibly think of in previous years’ posts. So I present to you #PowerRankings #Thanksgiving Turkey Alternatives Edition! I’ve pulled inspiration from this Food & Wine post, in case any of you actually want to try one of these alternatives. I’ve also included the PANTHERS and SUXS because maths is fun. Happy Thanksgiving!

1. HonkyTonkMcConkeyTime (Eric) (7-5) [1]

Eric’s team suffered from bye weeks to some key players in Week 12. Even though Josh Jacobs had an impressive performance, Eric’s FAAB dump on Estime looks to be fake money wasted. That doesn’t take away from the fact that his team still did well, and at full strength, is still the one to beat by a long shot moving forward. 

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Roasted Lamb Chops with Brown Sugar-Rum Glaze

Maybe this is a controversial take for some, but lamb is my all-time fave. Lamb > all other meats. And those lamb chops with that brown-sugar rum glaze is the perfect combo for a turkey replacement on Thanksgiving. Not only is the presentation of the rib rack fancy and top-notch, you can’t beat the uniquely gamey flavor of lamb mixed with the savouriness of rosemary and thyme, as well as the sweetness-and-acidity of the brown sugar-rum glaze. This dish is easily the Thanksgiving-day winner for me. And yes, Eric’s team wins.. at everything this season.

PANTHERS %: 99%

SUXS %: 0%

2. Maybabyboo (Laura) (7-5) [2]

Laura wasn’t at full force in Week 12, but even her usually reliable RBs (Mixon and Swift) fell flat, leading to her lowest-scoring week since Week 4. While Laura’s playoff chances are fairly solid given her Points For, she’d feel a lot better if she could at least split the last two games of the season against Eric and Gabs. Mixon will be on bye in Week 14, so her opportunity to capitalize might be this week against Eric.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Madeira-Glazed Ham with Collard Greens

The crust on that ham looks way too burnt. But I bet once you get past the crust, the ham itself is savoury, juicy, and delicious. Laura’s team looked toast the first 4 weeks of the season - just like the crust on this ham. But as we got deeper into the season, the inner juices from the ham came through and has saved the meal (and her season) from ruin. Ham usually isn’t anything fancy - it’s a big piece of meat you stick in the oven, maybe add some glaze at the end - and it’s honestly pretty hard to mess up. But you can’t rush it. And it’s always a crowd-pleaser and gets the job done as a main dish. Laura’s team has been the same - nothing fancy, it has taken time to cook, but has been the next-best thing as a Thanksgiving main dish if you can’t have the turkey.

PANTHERS %: 95%

SUXS %: 0%

3. FULL COMMANDO (Tim) (9-3) [5]

Jayden Daniels and his last-minute antics are like a rollercoaster ride for me. Like Eric alluded to, I glanced at his statline in the 3rd quarter and was resigned to the possibility of losing to Eric. Then that crazy 4th quarter happened and Daniels somehow ends up with 34 points, including a last-minute TD to Terry McLaurin for a respectable 18 points. Add T McB’s season high production, and I’m hopeful it’s just enough cushion to keep me at #1 to end the season. My team still doesn’t look like it’s meant to go far in the playoffs, but if I can string together enough wins to end the season, I’ll be perfectly content with Regular Season Champion, even if that doesn’t necessarily translate to Playoff Champ.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Roasted Goose

If I’m being honest, this photo of roasted goose looks like an emaciated turkey. It looks like a pretender turkey, and is just overall less impressive of a presentation. But I bet if you bite into the goose, it’ll be a lot more tender and a lot juicier than your traditional turkey. So it’ll still get the job done for Thanksgiving dinner. There may not be as many leftovers for the rest of the week, but at least it fed the guests for Thanksgiving dinner. My team has done the same - it looks like an imitator champion, but it’s getting the job done, contrary to what people may expect just by looking at it. There may not be much left over once playoffs start, but there’s still some consolation in winning the regular season (hopefully).

PANTHERS %: 100%

SUXS %: 0%

4. Justin Time to Catch Achane (Haji) (5-7) [4]

Haji got the win he needed to stay playoff-relevant, and he’ll still need to win out to even have a chance at the playoffs. Therefore, this next matchup against Jeff Lin will be huge - it’ll be interesting to see how the big trade pieces (Kupp + Achane / Josh Allen + Breece) perform. Kupp and Achane have been on a roll, and it doesn’t look like Hubbard is losing his lead-back role anytime soon, so I do like Haji’s chances. Haji’s team still looks like one of the better ones on paper, and I wouldn’t be shocked if he snuck his way into the playoffs. But I’m sure he’s also somewhat unsettled that his SUXS % is not zero.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Timpano

I’m not giving up on Haji’s team. Like this interesting-looking Timpano, Haji’s season has consisted of so many layers of good, bad, strange, and unlucky. On paper, it’s still a strong team, he’s just been dealt a handful of bad matchup weeks, leading to his 8th place league standing while being 4th in Points For. On paper, this Timpano dish looks solid - pasta, roasted veggies, and cheese - it should be a winning combo, but how it actually plays out depends on who you’re feeding. Will it really be filling as a main dish? Will it really impress the guests? Or will it fall flat and disappoint? Where’s the meat? All questions yet to be answered by Haji’s team as the season wraps up.

PANTHERS %: 9%

SUXS %: 1%

5. It’s Bo Time (Andrew) (7-5) [3]

This week was rough for Andrew. Not only did he lose by less than half a point, he started the wrong QB, the wrong TE, the wrong Flex, AND lost to CJ Stroud, who he just dropped a week ago and Gabs then picked up, spending all of $0 FAAB on. The loss bumps Andrew’s team down to 5th in league standings and puts his playoff aspirations in limbo. The good news is Bo Nix looks awesome, and possibly a keeper candidate. AJ Brown and JSN also look great. The bad news is where did Rhamondre Stevenson go? If Andrew can win one of his last two games, he’ll pretty much secure a playoff spot. But with matchups against Luke and me (which will be a matchup of who can survive their bye weeks best) to finish the season, Andrew’s once-seemingly-secure playoff spot seems to be slowly slipping.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Classic Duck Confit

If there was a fried chicken, that would be the obvious choice. But Duck Confit is close enough - let your duck cook in enough fat where the outer layer crisps up while retaining the inner moisture, and you get a tasty dish. You might even say it’s an elevated fried chicken. Ok, maybe that’s taking it too far. Regardless, Andrew’s team has actually been fairly solid this season. He’s had one #HighScore week and one week as the lowest score, but otherwise his team has finished between 4th and 7th in points scored on any given week. That consistency is pretty impressive. The only other team that has been more consistent is Eric’s. Having Derrick Henry as the backbone of the team definitely has helped, and if he’s finally found his answer at QB in Bo Time, you could do worse than fancy duck confit as your main Thanksgiving dish.

PANTHERS %: 82%

SUXS %: 0%

6. Spider Pig (Luke) (7-5) [8]

Of course Patrick Mahomes was going to put up his biggest numbers of the season against the Panthers. But Saquon Barkley continues to raise the bar on his own season by posting 44 (!!) points. Add to that Courtland Sutton’s ascent with Bo Nix, and Luke has not only earned himself the #HighScore for Week 12, but he’s also making a run for a potential 1st-round bye in the playoffs. The 5-game losing streak from Weeks 4-8 feels like an eternity ago as Luke’s team is steadily on the rise.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Salmon Wellington

Luke’s season has been so varied and layered, just like this Salmon Wellington. He starts the season mid-to-strong (outer flaky dough, very appealing and very tasty), but in Weeks 4-8 he finds his team as a bottom-of-the-barrel team vying for Sacko (middle layer of green stuff - cabbage or spinach or something? Eh, no thanks). Now he’s gotten #HighScore twice in the last 4 weeks, with Saquon playing at a seemingly unstoppable pace (inner layer of salmon, fancy delicious). Hopefully he’ll stay in the salmon layer and not revert back out to cabbage / spinach layer.

PANTHERS %: 92%

SUXS %: 0%

7. I am not sacko! (Jeff Chen) (5-7) [7]

Jeff Chen keeps his team a bit safer from Sacko with a Week 12 win in the Battle of the Jeffs, and keeps his team somewhat playoff relevant as well. Having Nico back has made the world of a difference, but if David Montgomery has to miss time with his injury, that would be concerning. Jeff does have the easiest schedule to finish the season, with matchups against Aaron and Abraham. So it’s still statistically possible that Jeff makes the playoffs if he can pad his Points For and gain an advantage over the other potential 7-7 teams. However, according to PANTHERS and SUXS, his chances of getting Sacko are still higher.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Roasted Cornish Game Hens

Jeff’s team has been solid. I may not give him or his team the credit it deserves on the reg, but in spite of sitting at 9th in the standings, his team is 7th in Points For and still is statistically still in the playoff hunt. Betting on Nico Collins, JK Dobbins, David Montgomery, George Kittle, and Joe Burrow have paid dividends this year. But that doesn’t mean it has been championship- (or even playoff-) worthy. His team still seems unremarkable. Just like these Cornish Game Hens - they’re cute and they look kind of like a smaller chicken or mini turkey - but that’s all they are: cute imitations of the real deal. Jeff’s team took a step forward this season, but not enough to be the real deal. 

PANTHERS %: 3%

SUXS %: 6%

8. Love thy Naber (Jeff Lin) (7-5) [6]

Jeff Lin was hit with the bye week blues this week, having to bench Breece and Josh Allen and not getting enough production from his other players in the Battle of the Jeffs. It’s also looking like he’s been on the losing side of his trade with Haji solely based on Deebo’s underperformance the past few weeks and the Week 12 byes, but hopefully Jeff can stick with the long-game and enter into the playoffs at full strength. First step is beat Haji this week to secure a playoff spot, and Jeff will need his big trade pieces to show up in order to do that.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Pomegranate-Glazed Salmon with Oranges, Olives, and Herbs

Jeff Lin’s team has been all over the place this year. It started off red-hot in the 1st 3 weeks, then cooled off significantly as a product of unfortunate mishaps / injuries. Just when he was appearing to gain some momentum earlier in November, his team seems to be slipping again now. Like this fancy-looking salmon dish bursting with garnishes and flavor, Jeff’s team was nice to look at and tasted good initially. But this dish looks like one where the more you eat, the more you wonder if olives and oranges should be paired with each other, much less with salmon.

PANTHERS %: 79%

SUXS %: 0%

9. Run It Back! (Gabs) (6-6) [9]

Gabs pulled off a win in a tight matchup against Andrew - really off of that TD from Rashod Bateman - keeping his hopes for the playoffs alive. Jonathan Taylor’s (lack of) production might be of concern if Anthony Richardson continues to start at QB for Indy, but at least Bucky Irving appears to be on the upswing. Gabs made a wise pickup with CJ Stroud, probably making Andrew regret that drop (among other things). And I’m going to be unhappy as well if Stroud goes ballistic against Jacksonville this week, which I feel like is a likely possibility. Picking up Levis for Week 14 v. Jax was also a pro move by Gabs in trying to keep his playoff hopes alive. He’ll need all the help he can get with a tough schedule ahead (v. me and then Laura), but if he can win out, he’d pretty much secure a playoff spot.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Pork Loin Braised with Mushroom and Wine

Gabs’s season has been quietly mid - he hasn’t had any #HighScore weeks, and has only been the lowest score once. His team is sitting right outside the playoff picture, striking the balance of a .500 record but a relatively low Points For - a few wins would pretty much secure a playoff spot, but one loss could easily take him out of contention. Just like this plain-looking pork loin: it isn’t much to look at, but in a pinch, it could work as a Thanksgiving main. Nothing fancy, but a solid option.

PANTHERS %: 41%

SUXS %: 0%

10. Terrific Tortoises (David) (4-8) [10]

After missing out on Chubb’s TNF performance, David still gets the win he desperately needed on the legs of Tony Pollard and Will Lutz. CMC (and SF in general) was largely disappointing, and the question moving forward is if CMC can be reliable enough these next few weeks to even start? While David is not entirely safe from Sacko, he’s at least a step in the right direction. If David can pull out another win in a winnable matchup against Abraham this week, he’d pretty much be in Sacko-free waters to end the season.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Mushroom, Lentil, and Chestnut Mince Pie

This pie actually looks pretty good from the outside - standing tall with a nice brown crust, it probably has a lot of filling and surely the dough has a good crispy texture to it. But once you cut inside and see all the mushrooms, lentil, and chestnuts? I mean, I guess I’d still eat it, but as a turkey replacement? No, thank you. David’s team had some big names and was nice to look at - CMC, Amon-Ra, DeAndre Hopkins, Rashee Rice, Jalen Hurts - but failed so miserably to deliver over the course of the season.  

PANTHERS %: 0%

SUXS %: 31%

11. 第六 (Abraham) (4-8) [11] 

In spite of an impressive performance from Jahmyr Gibbs and decent production from MPJ and Kyren, Abraham finds himself with another loss to extend his losing streak to 5 losses. While his Points For gives him enough cushion to keep Sacko at arm’s length, it’s still statistically very possible that he ends up in last place when the season ends if he continues his losing streak. He finishes the season with matchups against David and Jeff Chen - in theory, he should be able to win at least one of those, but with his current luck, I’m not so sure.

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: King Oyster Mushroom Steaks with Pesto and Almond Aillade

After Week 7, Abraham’s team has been a disaster. It’s been like eating mushrooms as your main dish for Thanksgiving. Imagine showing up to a Thanksgiving dinner and this was served as your main dish. Seriously, how upset would you be? I mean, I would probably go to McDonald’s afterwards for my actual meal. While I personally don’t prefer turkey, I’d take it over mushrooms as a main dish 10 out of 10 times. 

PANTHERS %: 0%

SUXS %: 24%

12. choubacca (Aaron) (4-8) [12]

Aaron needed this win pretty badly, but his team ended up disappointing him big time. Tyreek Hill was outperformed by other Miami receiving options, James Conner had a subpar game compared to his season-long production, Cade Otton’s output decreased with Mike Evans back, and LaPorta didn’t do much (again) - also, Aaron was forced to start 2 TEs #LULZ. 

Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Greens-and-Cheese-Stuffed Cinderella Pumpkin

Aaron’s team and season has been like Cinderella’s pumpkin carriage: to start the season, it looked like the best team in the league with superstar receiving options Tyreek Hill, CeeDee Lamb, and Sam LaPorta, decent RBs in Rachaad White and James Conner, and a solid QB group in Dak, Justin Herbert, and Kirk Cousins. This seemed like the FF fairy godmother had turned his team into a beautiful carriage. But the clock has struck midnight, and as the season is ending, his carriage has turned into a pumpkin. After his loss to David, Aaron’s team is solidly in position for Sacko. And I don’t think any prince is coming to save him when the season ends. Plus, who eats a pumpkin as a main dish? Gross. I’ve realized now this post has mainly been about how little I like vegetarianism.

PANTHERS %: 0%

SUXS %: 38%