This year for Thanksgiving, I’ve decided to try something a little different, since I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted all the Thanksgiving dishes you could possibly think of in previous years’ posts. So I present to you #PowerRankings #Thanksgiving Turkey Alternatives Edition! I’ve pulled inspiration from this Food & Wine post, in case any of you actually want to try one of these alternatives. I’ve also included the PANTHERS and SUXS because maths is fun. Happy Thanksgiving!
1. HonkyTonkMcConkeyTime (Eric) (7-5) [1]
Eric’s team suffered from bye weeks to some key players in Week 12. Even though Josh Jacobs had an impressive performance, Eric’s FAAB dump on Estime looks to be fake money wasted. That doesn’t take away from the fact that his team still did well, and at full strength, is still the one to beat by a long shot moving forward.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Roasted Lamb Chops with Brown Sugar-Rum Glaze
Maybe this is a controversial take for some, but lamb is my all-time fave. Lamb > all other meats. And those lamb chops with that brown-sugar rum glaze is the perfect combo for a turkey replacement on Thanksgiving. Not only is the presentation of the rib rack fancy and top-notch, you can’t beat the uniquely gamey flavor of lamb mixed with the savouriness of rosemary and thyme, as well as the sweetness-and-acidity of the brown sugar-rum glaze. This dish is easily the Thanksgiving-day winner for me. And yes, Eric’s team wins.. at everything this season.
PANTHERS %: 99%
SUXS %: 0%
2. Maybabyboo (Laura) (7-5) [2]
Laura wasn’t at full force in Week 12, but even her usually reliable RBs (Mixon and Swift) fell flat, leading to her lowest-scoring week since Week 4. While Laura’s playoff chances are fairly solid given her Points For, she’d feel a lot better if she could at least split the last two games of the season against Eric and Gabs. Mixon will be on bye in Week 14, so her opportunity to capitalize might be this week against Eric.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Madeira-Glazed Ham with Collard Greens
The crust on that ham looks way too burnt. But I bet once you get past the crust, the ham itself is savoury, juicy, and delicious. Laura’s team looked toast the first 4 weeks of the season - just like the crust on this ham. But as we got deeper into the season, the inner juices from the ham came through and has saved the meal (and her season) from ruin. Ham usually isn’t anything fancy - it’s a big piece of meat you stick in the oven, maybe add some glaze at the end - and it’s honestly pretty hard to mess up. But you can’t rush it. And it’s always a crowd-pleaser and gets the job done as a main dish. Laura’s team has been the same - nothing fancy, it has taken time to cook, but has been the next-best thing as a Thanksgiving main dish if you can’t have the turkey.
PANTHERS %: 95%
SUXS %: 0%
3. FULL COMMANDO (Tim) (9-3) [5]
Jayden Daniels and his last-minute antics are like a rollercoaster ride for me. Like Eric alluded to, I glanced at his statline in the 3rd quarter and was resigned to the possibility of losing to Eric. Then that crazy 4th quarter happened and Daniels somehow ends up with 34 points, including a last-minute TD to Terry McLaurin for a respectable 18 points. Add T McB’s season high production, and I’m hopeful it’s just enough cushion to keep me at #1 to end the season. My team still doesn’t look like it’s meant to go far in the playoffs, but if I can string together enough wins to end the season, I’ll be perfectly content with Regular Season Champion, even if that doesn’t necessarily translate to Playoff Champ.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Roasted Goose
If I’m being honest, this photo of roasted goose looks like an emaciated turkey. It looks like a pretender turkey, and is just overall less impressive of a presentation. But I bet if you bite into the goose, it’ll be a lot more tender and a lot juicier than your traditional turkey. So it’ll still get the job done for Thanksgiving dinner. There may not be as many leftovers for the rest of the week, but at least it fed the guests for Thanksgiving dinner. My team has done the same - it looks like an imitator champion, but it’s getting the job done, contrary to what people may expect just by looking at it. There may not be much left over once playoffs start, but there’s still some consolation in winning the regular season (hopefully).
PANTHERS %: 100%
SUXS %: 0%
4. Justin Time to Catch Achane (Haji) (5-7) [4]
Haji got the win he needed to stay playoff-relevant, and he’ll still need to win out to even have a chance at the playoffs. Therefore, this next matchup against Jeff Lin will be huge - it’ll be interesting to see how the big trade pieces (Kupp + Achane / Josh Allen + Breece) perform. Kupp and Achane have been on a roll, and it doesn’t look like Hubbard is losing his lead-back role anytime soon, so I do like Haji’s chances. Haji’s team still looks like one of the better ones on paper, and I wouldn’t be shocked if he snuck his way into the playoffs. But I’m sure he’s also somewhat unsettled that his SUXS % is not zero.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Timpano
I’m not giving up on Haji’s team. Like this interesting-looking Timpano, Haji’s season has consisted of so many layers of good, bad, strange, and unlucky. On paper, it’s still a strong team, he’s just been dealt a handful of bad matchup weeks, leading to his 8th place league standing while being 4th in Points For. On paper, this Timpano dish looks solid - pasta, roasted veggies, and cheese - it should be a winning combo, but how it actually plays out depends on who you’re feeding. Will it really be filling as a main dish? Will it really impress the guests? Or will it fall flat and disappoint? Where’s the meat? All questions yet to be answered by Haji’s team as the season wraps up.
PANTHERS %: 9%
SUXS %: 1%
5. It’s Bo Time (Andrew) (7-5) [3]
This week was rough for Andrew. Not only did he lose by less than half a point, he started the wrong QB, the wrong TE, the wrong Flex, AND lost to CJ Stroud, who he just dropped a week ago and Gabs then picked up, spending all of $0 FAAB on. The loss bumps Andrew’s team down to 5th in league standings and puts his playoff aspirations in limbo. The good news is Bo Nix looks awesome, and possibly a keeper candidate. AJ Brown and JSN also look great. The bad news is where did Rhamondre Stevenson go? If Andrew can win one of his last two games, he’ll pretty much secure a playoff spot. But with matchups against Luke and me (which will be a matchup of who can survive their bye weeks best) to finish the season, Andrew’s once-seemingly-secure playoff spot seems to be slowly slipping.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Classic Duck Confit
If there was a fried chicken, that would be the obvious choice. But Duck Confit is close enough - let your duck cook in enough fat where the outer layer crisps up while retaining the inner moisture, and you get a tasty dish. You might even say it’s an elevated fried chicken. Ok, maybe that’s taking it too far. Regardless, Andrew’s team has actually been fairly solid this season. He’s had one #HighScore week and one week as the lowest score, but otherwise his team has finished between 4th and 7th in points scored on any given week. That consistency is pretty impressive. The only other team that has been more consistent is Eric’s. Having Derrick Henry as the backbone of the team definitely has helped, and if he’s finally found his answer at QB in Bo Time, you could do worse than fancy duck confit as your main Thanksgiving dish.
PANTHERS %: 82%
SUXS %: 0%
6. Spider Pig (Luke) (7-5) [8]
Of course Patrick Mahomes was going to put up his biggest numbers of the season against the Panthers. But Saquon Barkley continues to raise the bar on his own season by posting 44 (!!) points. Add to that Courtland Sutton’s ascent with Bo Nix, and Luke has not only earned himself the #HighScore for Week 12, but he’s also making a run for a potential 1st-round bye in the playoffs. The 5-game losing streak from Weeks 4-8 feels like an eternity ago as Luke’s team is steadily on the rise.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Salmon Wellington
Luke’s season has been so varied and layered, just like this Salmon Wellington. He starts the season mid-to-strong (outer flaky dough, very appealing and very tasty), but in Weeks 4-8 he finds his team as a bottom-of-the-barrel team vying for Sacko (middle layer of green stuff - cabbage or spinach or something? Eh, no thanks). Now he’s gotten #HighScore twice in the last 4 weeks, with Saquon playing at a seemingly unstoppable pace (inner layer of salmon, fancy delicious). Hopefully he’ll stay in the salmon layer and not revert back out to cabbage / spinach layer.
PANTHERS %: 92%
SUXS %: 0%
7. I am not sacko! (Jeff Chen) (5-7) [7]
Jeff Chen keeps his team a bit safer from Sacko with a Week 12 win in the Battle of the Jeffs, and keeps his team somewhat playoff relevant as well. Having Nico back has made the world of a difference, but if David Montgomery has to miss time with his injury, that would be concerning. Jeff does have the easiest schedule to finish the season, with matchups against Aaron and Abraham. So it’s still statistically possible that Jeff makes the playoffs if he can pad his Points For and gain an advantage over the other potential 7-7 teams. However, according to PANTHERS and SUXS, his chances of getting Sacko are still higher.
Jeff’s team has been solid. I may not give him or his team the credit it deserves on the reg, but in spite of sitting at 9th in the standings, his team is 7th in Points For and still is statistically still in the playoff hunt. Betting on Nico Collins, JK Dobbins, David Montgomery, George Kittle, and Joe Burrow have paid dividends this year. But that doesn’t mean it has been championship- (or even playoff-) worthy. His team still seems unremarkable. Just like these Cornish Game Hens - they’re cute and they look kind of like a smaller chicken or mini turkey - but that’s all they are: cute imitations of the real deal. Jeff’s team took a step forward this season, but not enough to be the real deal.
PANTHERS %: 3%
SUXS %: 6%
8. Love thy Naber (Jeff Lin) (7-5) [6]
Jeff Lin was hit with the bye week blues this week, having to bench Breece and Josh Allen and not getting enough production from his other players in the Battle of the Jeffs. It’s also looking like he’s been on the losing side of his trade with Haji solely based on Deebo’s underperformance the past few weeks and the Week 12 byes, but hopefully Jeff can stick with the long-game and enter into the playoffs at full strength. First step is beat Haji this week to secure a playoff spot, and Jeff will need his big trade pieces to show up in order to do that.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Pomegranate-Glazed Salmon with Oranges, Olives, and Herbs
Jeff Lin’s team has been all over the place this year. It started off red-hot in the 1st 3 weeks, then cooled off significantly as a product of unfortunate mishaps / injuries. Just when he was appearing to gain some momentum earlier in November, his team seems to be slipping again now. Like this fancy-looking salmon dish bursting with garnishes and flavor, Jeff’s team was nice to look at and tasted good initially. But this dish looks like one where the more you eat, the more you wonder if olives and oranges should be paired with each other, much less with salmon.
PANTHERS %: 79%
SUXS %: 0%
9. Run It Back! (Gabs) (6-6) [9]
Gabs pulled off a win in a tight matchup against Andrew - really off of that TD from Rashod Bateman - keeping his hopes for the playoffs alive. Jonathan Taylor’s (lack of) production might be of concern if Anthony Richardson continues to start at QB for Indy, but at least Bucky Irving appears to be on the upswing. Gabs made a wise pickup with CJ Stroud, probably making Andrew regret that drop (among other things). And I’m going to be unhappy as well if Stroud goes ballistic against Jacksonville this week, which I feel like is a likely possibility. Picking up Levis for Week 14 v. Jax was also a pro move by Gabs in trying to keep his playoff hopes alive. He’ll need all the help he can get with a tough schedule ahead (v. me and then Laura), but if he can win out, he’d pretty much secure a playoff spot.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Pork Loin Braised with Mushroom and Wine
Gabs’s season has been quietly mid - he hasn’t had any #HighScore weeks, and has only been the lowest score once. His team is sitting right outside the playoff picture, striking the balance of a .500 record but a relatively low Points For - a few wins would pretty much secure a playoff spot, but one loss could easily take him out of contention. Just like this plain-looking pork loin: it isn’t much to look at, but in a pinch, it could work as a Thanksgiving main. Nothing fancy, but a solid option.
PANTHERS %: 41%
SUXS %: 0%
10. Terrific Tortoises (David) (4-8) [10]
After missing out on Chubb’s TNF performance, David still gets the win he desperately needed on the legs of Tony Pollard and Will Lutz. CMC (and SF in general) was largely disappointing, and the question moving forward is if CMC can be reliable enough these next few weeks to even start? While David is not entirely safe from Sacko, he’s at least a step in the right direction. If David can pull out another win in a winnable matchup against Abraham this week, he’d pretty much be in Sacko-free waters to end the season.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Mushroom, Lentil, and Chestnut Mince Pie
This pie actually looks pretty good from the outside - standing tall with a nice brown crust, it probably has a lot of filling and surely the dough has a good crispy texture to it. But once you cut inside and see all the mushrooms, lentil, and chestnuts? I mean, I guess I’d still eat it, but as a turkey replacement? No, thank you. David’s team had some big names and was nice to look at - CMC, Amon-Ra, DeAndre Hopkins, Rashee Rice, Jalen Hurts - but failed so miserably to deliver over the course of the season.
PANTHERS %: 0%
SUXS %: 31%
11. 第六 (Abraham) (4-8) [11]
In spite of an impressive performance from Jahmyr Gibbs and decent production from MPJ and Kyren, Abraham finds himself with another loss to extend his losing streak to 5 losses. While his Points For gives him enough cushion to keep Sacko at arm’s length, it’s still statistically very possible that he ends up in last place when the season ends if he continues his losing streak. He finishes the season with matchups against David and Jeff Chen - in theory, he should be able to win at least one of those, but with his current luck, I’m not so sure.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: King Oyster Mushroom Steaks with Pesto and Almond Aillade
After Week 7, Abraham’s team has been a disaster. It’s been like eating mushrooms as your main dish for Thanksgiving. Imagine showing up to a Thanksgiving dinner and this was served as your main dish. Seriously, how upset would you be? I mean, I would probably go to McDonald’s afterwards for my actual meal. While I personally don’t prefer turkey, I’d take it over mushrooms as a main dish 10 out of 10 times.
PANTHERS %: 0%
SUXS %: 24%
12. choubacca (Aaron) (4-8) [12]
Aaron needed this win pretty badly, but his team ended up disappointing him big time. Tyreek Hill was outperformed by other Miami receiving options, James Conner had a subpar game compared to his season-long production, Cade Otton’s output decreased with Mike Evans back, and LaPorta didn’t do much (again) - also, Aaron was forced to start 2 TEs #LULZ.
Thanksgiving Turkey Alternative Comp: Greens-and-Cheese-Stuffed Cinderella Pumpkin
Aaron’s team and season has been like Cinderella’s pumpkin carriage: to start the season, it looked like the best team in the league with superstar receiving options Tyreek Hill, CeeDee Lamb, and Sam LaPorta, decent RBs in Rachaad White and James Conner, and a solid QB group in Dak, Justin Herbert, and Kirk Cousins. This seemed like the FF fairy godmother had turned his team into a beautiful carriage. But the clock has struck midnight, and as the season is ending, his carriage has turned into a pumpkin. After his loss to David, Aaron’s team is solidly in position for Sacko. And I don’t think any prince is coming to save him when the season ends. Plus, who eats a pumpkin as a main dish? Gross. I’ve realized now this post has mainly been about how little I like vegetarianism.
PANTHERS %: 0%
SUXS %: 38%